Today is January 6, 2012. I’m sitting on my front porch; the sun is in my face, the breeze is soft. I’m wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. Let me say it again – it’s January 6th. As I sit here, I can’t help but reflect on the week that God has blessed me with. So many things run through my mind as I even think of beginning to transcribe my heart on this page. But only one name is the central point of gravity that orbits these thoughts through my whole being..
..and that name is Jesus.
I was born a sinner. By nature, I will fail perfectly today, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life.
Before my heart came to seek the heart of our Savior, I was dead. Even while knowing Him, I was shackled to dead, empty things. Why? Because the world in which I live – is dead. But take heart! Christ has risen me from the grave by defeating death by death. God has broken the shackles that bind me to the world and has chained me to the UNCHAINABLE Jesus. And in that - there is great victory.
My ticket to Passion 2012 was a priority for me in August. In November, my excitement for being one of thousands of college students in the Georgia Dome praising Jesus was uncontainable. By late December, though, heading off to Atlanta was secretly becoming a chore. It was just another agenda to follow, another expectation to be fulfilled, and another item to be checked off my seemingly eternal to-do list. Begrudgingly, I packed. I loaded a bus. And I left. I was burdened with exhaustion, guilt of sin, hatred of my attitude, irritability, bitterness, and confusion. I was stagnant and unmoved. I was completely unprepared for the richest, most spiritual 68 consecutive hours in my life thus far.
Atlanta was freezing, and because of it, I was still irritated. While my friends around me were off-the-wall with excitement and giddiness, I was bothered, frustrated, and altogether sour. We dropped our bags off in our hotel room and headed almost a mile through downtown Atlanta.
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| Sunset over the Georgia Dome |
The Georgia World Conference Center was packed; we would wait in line for almost two hours just to register. At the sight of thousands of college students ages 18-25 waiting in line to praise God, I was astounded. My heart got excited and my attitude did a complete 180. I was at Passion 2012, and I was about to experience Jesus.
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| About 1/25 of the Registration Line |
We climbed the ramps to the top of the Dome only to be seated among 45,000 hearts beating for the purpose of glorifying God. It was dark, but the stage lights were going wild as scripture was being proclaimed across the stadium. More and more students filed in. I was standing in the nosebleeds, shoulder to shoulder with a generation of students on FIRE for Christ. I was in awe of the magnitude of the event, but still somehow had room in my thoughts to hold back my heart. I still wasn’t prepared to enter the throne room of Christ and experience him in all of his glory. Not yet, anyway.
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| From the nosebleeds |
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| Standing among 45,000. ..can you imagine what Heaven will be like? |
The music was out of this world. Every chord shot chills down my spine, drawing up emotion like never before. The presence of the Holy Spirit was overwhelming; my heart pounded inside of my chest as I sang each truth hidden within the melodies. Across the arena, thousands of pairs of hands were high in the air. Voices resonated within the walls, thundering a passion for Jesus that I had never heard before. In spite of all of this, my heart was still not prepared.
And then God spoke to me.
Louie Giglio started his first talk with Luke 7:11-16. The widow’s son was dead, being carried off to the grave. The Lord saw the great suffering of the woman and his heart went out to her. Without hesitation, Jesus told the young man, “Get up!” Much like the widow’s son, God calls us to rise up. He tears us from the merciless grips of death and welcomes us into his kingdom of freedom and life! I didn’t want to miss this! There are so many things in my life that are DEAD! I wanted God to call me to arise! He did, and I obeyed his command. At that moment, I refused to be inhibited by the chains that Satan so swiftly binds me with. I refused to be held captive by my sin. I refused to harbor guilt and shame in my heart that is solely purposed to beat for the glory of Christ. I refused to sit back and watch Jesus pass through the Georgia Dome without reaching out to him with every bit of my soul. I refused to lie lifeless and be carried off to the grave.
Louie invited to stand if we had made the choice to get up out of our death. I stood and the prayers just bellowed from my heart. “God, I have SO MUCH in my life that binds me to death. Free me from the things that pull me away from you. Make me clean. Purify my heart, my soul, and my mind. Jesus, let me be so consumed with you that my face looks to the heavens in every waking moment so that you’ll lead me without failure to live out the life you have purposed for me. I want to be free from the bondage of death to be wholly with you, and you alone. God, you’re so much bigger than the things that weigh on my weary shoulders. Take them, and throw them away. Make room in me for life! For YOU!” I gave it all to him. I gave him all of me. And in that moment – I felt Jesus. My heart had been prepared, and Jesus was everywhere. Among 45,000 people, his face was all I could see.
I’m typing this and still getting chills.
After session, we were sent to meet with our unique community groups. Between all of my friends, I was the only one that ended up with a solid green wristband. No, not solid green. STRIPED GREEN. So off I went into the freezing cold Atlanta air, shuffled my way through tens of thousands of my peers, and made it to my community group of 5,000 people. Soon after, I was united with my family group of nine. It was by no coincidence that we were brought together at this time. Little did I know that within seconds, these eight strangers would become eight highly respected, highly valued members of my Christ-family. It came as an even greater surprise when I discovered that within a half hour, these eight faces were not just my brothers and sisters in Christ, but beautiful friends.
Our community group leader, Brad Jones, challenged us with an array of questions at every meeting, encouraged us with promises of God’s word, and facilitated discussion questions that would fuel our nine to grow closer to Christ by growing closer together. He also made us laugh a lot.
At the closing of our family group time, we were herded through the crowded halls, promenades, and escalators back to the dome, only to see David Crowder Band perform for the last time. The Spirit was so alive in his lyrics – my heart just cried out with adoration for our Savior. “I am yours forever and ever and ever and ever, Forever and ever and ever and ever, Forever and ever and ever and ever, Forever and ever and ever and ever, Forever and ever and ever and ever Forever and ever..” (No, really. That’s how the song goes.)
The next morning, our family group met to study Ephesians 2:1-10. Our discussion was awesome; the Lord really just revealed himself to us. His mercies are new for us each day, raising us out of the pit of death in which we naturally live! With each moment that our sinful natures crave the things of the world, we are dying. But Christ! Christ in his Glory! reaches out to us and SAVES US BY HIS GRACE! What a beautiful promise of salvation and redemption!
After family groups, I couldn’t wait to get to the Dome to hear what else the Lord had to say to me. By this point, the cold wasn’t so cold anymore. The masses of people weren’t so suffocating anymore. The frustration of never being able to find anyone in a crowd wasn’t such a frustration anymore. All I wanted was more and more and more of the Word. And I got it.
Beth Moore approached the podium after another phenomenal time of worship. Her words were direct and passionate. Her words were full of truth and intention. Her words were full of “Kelsi. Listen to what I have to say! Jesus is trying to tell you something!” Beth spoke from Luke 8:40-56. The recurring theme was still “rise up,” but within it was an air of healing, a glimpse of Christ’s power and unending love, and a taste of His faithfulness. I’ve messed up a lot in my life. I’m a sinner, through and through. I am unclean.
In her day, the woman in verse 43 would have been completely scoffed at by the people in her city. She had an unidentifiable disease that caused her to bleed incessantly for 12 years. Anything she touched was, to them, unclean. She, herself, was altogether unclean. Despite her repulsion to the people, she had great faith that Jesus would heal her of this disease if only she could touch the hem of his garment. In a world where she was thought to make others unclean by touching them, she believed that just the opposite would happen. Instead of making Christ unclean, she, herself would be healed. If only if we all had the unwavering faith and boldness of this woman. As the story goes, she touches Jesus, power is released through him, and she is healed. He tells her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”
After hearing this, I really had to sit back and evaluate myself. When I am plagued with sin and I am diseased by its filth, I can easily make others “unclean” as well. Rarely do I ever find myself worthy enough to reach out to Christ to rid me of my sin. Am I repentant? Sure. But to get rid of sin? I’ve always taken it upon myself to fight it. Sure, I’ve asked for strength to do so, but have I ever had enough faith to believe that Jesus would just heal me of my iniquity? Never. If only all my life I had the faith of this woman to reach out to the God of the Nations to rid me of the things that drag me to the grave. If only I believed that Jesus would call me out of the grave and say, “Rise up!” If only I had stopped harboring so much self-righteousness in thinking that I was capable of doing this all on my own..
Jesus does not become unclean when we reach out to him to save us from our sin. His cleanliness washes away our iniquity and makes us pure and blameless in the sight of the Father. How awesome is His great love! We may be chained to sin, but God is more powerful than any bondage that the world can hold us in. Through faith, he crushes the chains, and divinely chains us to His son, who died to make us clean again.
Jesus.
While this is all happening, there’s an underlying project for us to raise awareness for the 27 million men, women, and children that are enslaved in the world today. That’s more than any other time in history. This should be a STARTLING statistic. Our generation was encouraged to Do Something Now; money was collected for organizations like Tiny Hands, Wellspring, IJM, and The Atlanta Project. Through these organizations, we would be providing means of awareness, prevention, freedom, and restoration for the victims of slavery – whether sex trafficking, bonded labor, or countless other horrific abuses. By the afternoon of the first full day, we had raised over $500,000. The goal? $1,000,000. The victims of these abuses are in such dark places. Christine Caine profoundly stated that it is our JOB to recognize this tragedy and not just talk about it, but DO SOMETHING. We are CALLED as followers of Christ to reach out to the least of these not just with our hearts, but with our hands, our finances, and our resources. It’s our RESPONSIBILITY to bring light to a dark world.
And where is light most effective? Darkness.
She used this example. Her daughter had this obsession with Barbie, so Christine begrudgingly bought her a Barbie flashlight hanging along the checkout line at WalMart. When her daughter turned it on, she was extremely troubled that the light could not be seen. Christine’s response was simply that there was too much light in the store for the light to be seen. It was still there, it was just invisible.
Is it not the same with our light of Christ? If we surround ourselves with nothing but light, how will our light ever be seen!? Furthermore, life was never designed for us to arrive at death safely – so WHY are we not finding DARKNESS in which to shine our light!? DO. SOMETHING. NOW.
So we did. We gave over $2,500,000. An adult couple that attended Passion as leaders was so inspired by our giving that they contributed another $500,000 toward Freedom. Altogether, over $3,000,000 were raised. OVER THREE MILLION DOLLARS.
Jesus.
And then there was Francis Chan. He made me SO hungry for the Word of God, the Bread of Life – it was unreal. He started a fire in my heart that jump started me to deeply desire spreading the gospel.
He also told me not to have roast beef with people in my heart.
Jesus.
Hillsong United. Phenomenal. The Holy Spirit was so very present in the Georgia Dome through their songs.
Family group the next morning stirred me. It shook my heart, it shook my mind, and my whole world came undone in a matter of minutes. I sat across from Morgan and Kevin studying Ephesians 3:14-21, digging deep into God’s word for my life. I’ve read those verses a hundred times or more within different contexts, and I believed them. Mid-thought, mid-sentence, Morgan stops us with apology and says, “I just need to ask you guys where you see yourselves. What do you see yourself doing with your life?” I was so caught off guard, I didn’t even know what to think in order to form words. A stuttered reply came out that encompassed becoming a wife and a mom (in that order) and teaching kids. Morgan just kind of cocked her head to the side, nodded hesitantly, and we moved on. Within minutes, she interrupted again and she said something like, “I don’t know why, but I just feel really led to tell you this. But God has plans that are inconceivable for your life. Whatever you imagine Him doing? He’s going to do so much more. You have no idea. You can’t even imagine the great things that he is going to do.” Tears welled up behind my eyes. God is going to do great things with me? Greater than I can imagine? To me, a great thing WOULD be getting married and raising children to be in the Lord’s army. A great thing WOULD be educating children. A great thing WOULD be living in a small town and serving the church. A great thing WOULD be telling the people I encounter about Jesus and sharing my testimony of salvation and faith. BUT I CAN IMAGINE ALL OF THAT! If there’s more!? If there are things in my life that are bigger than that! And I can’t imagine them!? WOW!
..I still can’t stop thinking about it.
So then, of course, Louie Giglio starts talking again about how to rise up from the graves in our life and embrace the promises of the King. He tells us to stop living by our own agendas and trust God to lead us to do his work. “Stop waiting around for the right ‘time’ in your life and do it when he calls you!” Everything I’d ever known about my life, or rather, everything I’d ever THOUGHT I knew about my life came undone. For so long, I’ve tied perfect little ribbons of perfection over my accomplishments, sealing them with affirmation that “that’s how it’s going to be!” I’ve lined up my future with ribbon that sit in perfectly perforated holes just waiting to be tied after completion. I have my checklist all ready to go:
· Meet the man of my dreams
· Graduate
· Get married
· Start teaching
· Start a family
· Raise my kids
· Meet Jesus in Heaven
“Now in him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen!” –Ephesians 4:20-21
Has he not proved this to be true in EVERY OTHER ASPECT of my past? Why shouldn’t I believe in his infinite promises for my future?
Morgan spoke serious truth into my life. And Louie Giglio justified it. All I have to do is follow Jesus, not my own twisted, close-minded ideas. Simple right?
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead
-Lecrae (and my heart)
And so I wait. I wait on the Lord. And I make the choice to let him lead.
All my life, I’ve “trusted” him. He’s never led me astray. But I guess it’s safe to say I’ve never trusted his timing. My reasoning for MY timing has always been “greater” than his. “God is late, or he came too early, or I missed this opportunity, I didn’t get to do this, or I missed out on that..” ..I was so wrong. God is God of all things. He is infinitely perfect beyond comprehension. And his power is stronger than any clock, any agenda, or any twisted ideas that I might have.
I say: I’m waiting for a husband. But I continually and prematurely jump the gun on pursuing affection and attention from empty encounters. I mess up. I stumble. I fall.
I might be “waiting,” but what I’m doing is not waiting patiently. It might not even be waiting at all. It’s more of a state of being stagnant. I’ve spent so much energy and time on filling the emptiness with empty things that I’ve forgotten the glorious fulfillment of Christ’s love.
..while I’m confessing all of this to Katie before John Piper’s session, the lights drop and Christy Nockels starts singing, “Waiting Here for You” and then Matt Redman follows it up with “One Thing Remains.” Tears. So. Many tears. God just broke me into two. Later, I was even more convicted by John Piper’s words, “It is impossible for one in love with darkness to walk in light.” My brokenness became even more broken. I searched my heart for its true desires, and all I could find was Jesus. In that moment, all I felt were the arms of Christ. I felt his love. I felt his comfort. I felt his reassurance of promises fulfilled. And in that moment, my brokenness was made whole once again.
In all of this, Jesus is becoming more and more famous in my heart. May his name be proclaimed without shame to the NATIONS! God is Almighty! He is powerful! He reigns over all the world, all the universe, over all things both known and unknown.
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| Do Something Now The sculpture was covered with clothing made as a result of slave labor. We were given the opportunity to write messages on either garments or white flags of surrender that covered the exterior. The hand of help, of surrender, of peace, and of praise was breathtaking. What a statement in downtown Atlanta. |
Passion 2012 was an experience unlike any other. My heart was revived and renewed. My perspective was changed. I was convicted by the word of God. I was healed by the love and mercy of Christ. I was made clean and blameless by the cross.
I am on fire. My friends are on fire. For the Glory of God.
268generation
Isaiah 26:8
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