For months..years, even, I've been begging for something permanent - something that was going to carry me through all of life's challenges. I've begged for a man, for a place to be, a home, a shelter, and a refuge. And all of the suddenly I've realized in all of the begging, the wishing, and the wanting, I'm getting exactly what I've wished for. I've found the most incredible man that any woman could ever ask for. He has figuratively and literally swept me off my feet and shown me a new life that is more beautiful than an October sunset, more precious than the deepest rubies, and more full of love than the oceans have water to spare. My life with Will is what I want. He, himself and the life we share, is the answer to many outcries to God, many nights of fervent prayer, and many mornings of yearning and desire. As I make the transition from where I am into the beginnings of my "permanent" life, I'm beginning to realize that leaving the semi-permanent was a part of the deal I was never really prepared to face.
I'm a sentimental woman. I was self taught at a young age to live every moment like it's my last, embrace moments, capture emotions, embed faces, sounds, and smells into the depths of my memory, and love. Love with all that I have, all that I am, and all that I am not. This is what I do, and what I have always done. And when I'm standing in a place like where I am now - perfectly still, but the world is moving so quickly by - I sometimes wish that I was the reserved girl. The protected girl. The throw-up-your-front girl. The don't-let-them-in, don't-let-them-see-you girl. Because at times like this, the see ya laters, be back soons, and goodbyes are so gut wrenching, so deeply sad, and sting so painfully.
But in my stillness, and amidst the whir of the world passing me by, I'm thankful that I'm not that girl. I'm thankful for the relationships I've built, the late night talks and the inside jokes, leather jackets and six-packs of craft beers, the healing power of numbers, the safety in the four plus me, the struggles we've faced, and the victories we've shared. I'm thankful for Chai tea and Sunday dinners, campfires and shared bottles of whiskey, the ridicule over boxed wine, make out monsters, and cleat chasing. I'm thankful for the tired early mornings after nights out too late, the stolen clothes, coffee mugs, and dirty dishes in the sink. I'm thankful for the wine nights, the Nikita nights, the acoustic nights, and the let's just go cruise around nights. I'm thankful for spontaneous hikes, muddy boots, and four wheelers. I'm thankful for porch sitting, cigarettes, stale coffee, and head scratches. I'm thankful for night skies, record players, Christmas lights, and bar stools. I'm thankful for the scoldings, the pep talks, and the voices of reason telling me to pull my shit together and stop being such a girl. I'm thankful for a simple cabin in the middle of nowhere with muddy creeks, black deer, and a magical pond. I'm even thankful for the dumb biddies that have come and gone like the seasons - because let's face it.. most of them have made for some really great stories. I'm thankful for my four boys..four men.. that have impressed their hand prints so deeply on my life and my heart that no matter what the distance, no matter what the time, they will never be separate from me. They are four men that are worth feeling the pain for in goodbyes. They are four men that are worth the drive to make the "see ya" in see ya later come true. They're the four that will still stand guard for me, even from miles and miles away, not because they need to, but because it's just what they do.
And though few words will ever be said, and my eyes will shed the only tears that fall, there's an unspoken understanding of a lifelong love between friends like family.
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