lifetime learner

Lately I've been telling stories of a student in my classroom that is the epitome of struggle in so many ways. He struggles to follow directions. He struggles to complete simple tasks. He struggles to follow social cues and norms. He struggles to problem solve or think for himself. He causes struggle in the classroom when other students become unfocused from his actions. He causes struggle in my time management skills; he demands my attention 98% of his day while I still have 24 other students to which I must cater. He causes struggle with my patience because I have to remind him countless times to perform simple tasks like write his name on his paper or answer all of the questions before turning in an assignment. He causes struggle in my spirit when I am torn between filling in the gap left by his jailed mother and showing tough love to make him a hard worker and a successful learner. He causes struggle in my professional repertoire of tricks because I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel for having exercised every last magic teaching strategy in attempts to find what works to captivate his attention and help him learn. In so  many ways, this struggle is real. 

I woke up this morning feeling spread thin and empty - something I've been feeling for quite a few weeks now for more reasons than one. I was drawn to open a Max Lucado compilation of inspiration and biblical truths. I desperately needed some Jesus time and perspective on where my life, mundane and empty as it has felt, is headed. And I read about I am. 

• "I am the bread of life." John 6:48
• "I am the Light of the world." John 8:12
• "I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved." John 10:9
• "I am the good shepherd." John 10:11
• "I am the Son of God." John 10:36
• "I am the resurrection and the life." John 11:25
• "I am the way, and the truth, and the life." John 14:6
• "I am the true vine." John 15:4
• "I AM WHO I AM." Exodus 3:14

And I realized, because Jesus is, he knows. 

"Jesus knows how you feel. You're under the gun at work? Jesus knows how you feel. You've got more to do than is humanly possible? So did he. You've got children who make a 'piranha hour' out of your dinner hour? Jesus knows what that's like. People take more from you than they give? Jesus understands. Your teenagers won't listen? Your students won't try? Your employees give you blank stares when you assign tasks? Believe me, friend, Jesus knows how you feel."

I have students that won't try. I have students that won't listen. I have students that give me blank stares when I assign tasks. And Jesus knows how that feels. Jesus knows how that feels because while he is the way, and the truth, and the life, the shepherd and the vine, He is also my teacher. And friends! How many times has he tried to teach me and I have not tried!? Friends! How many times has he spoken to me and I have stared blankly? How many times has he tried to assign me tasks and I ignore his commands!? Yet he loves me. He loves ME. He is patient with me. He shows me kindness and gentleness and patience when I can't write my name on the paper. He shows me kindness and gentleness and patience when I can't perform the simple tasks or think for myself. When I look at what is in front of me and I feel overwhelmed or things seem too hard, I run to him, tapping his arms, repeating his name, begging for help and answers, sometimes calling on him to just do it for me..whatever "it" may be. Though I am undeserving, He turns to me still, with kindness, gentleness, and patience. He does not become angry. He does not become frustrated. He does not become overwhelmed. Instead, He answers my cries, he gives me the answers, he carries my burdens, and he teaches me. He is I am.

And I am not. But with Christ in me, I will continue to strive to love my students with the kind of grace and mercy I am given every day - even in those moments when my deep breaths carry heavy burdens of stress and impatience and end-of-my-rope frustration. And in those moments, I pray that when I breathe in, I breathe in the love that God has showered on my life, and when I breathe out, that same love is felt from every seat in my classroom.

I am a teacher, but I am still learning from mine for a lifetime.

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