The past four weeks have been full of so many emotions for me. Helplessness, joy, sorrow, pain, hopefulness, peace, excitement, anxiety, uneasiness, contentment. I've felt things inside of me that are unable to be defined by thoughts or words, song lyrics or prayers - a rarity. Even through this whirring rush of emotion, I've found a deep, burning desire to seek the still small voice of my creator. I'm reminded daily of his omnipotence, his glory, his deity, his sovereignty. My God is immeasurable. His mercies are immeasurable. His blessings are immeasurable.
After weeks of sheer exhaustion weighing on my shoulders, I anticipated the cool breezes of the mountains and the rushing current of the river at Camp Cowen to lay rest to my tired mind. I anticipated this divine "lifting of the weights" to occur - as if the heartache that I was feeling was something tangible and able to be sloughed off and blown to the wind like the leaves. I realized though, (and the lesson that I continue to learn again and again and again,) is that we experience pain because it shapes us more into the likeness of Christ. The grip of God's mighty hand on our hearts makes us writhe in tense discomfort and painful uneasiness, but as we submit to his ways, we learn that his yoke is easy; his burden is light. (Matt. 11:28).
There is a significant difference between carrying burdens and feeling pain. I find myself most often in my prayers at the foot of the cross just unloading bag after bag after bag of just.. stuff. Stuff that distracts me, that clutters my thoughts and my life. Stuff that digs its way into my innermost being and eats away at my livelihood. Stuff that makes me anxious and worrisome. Stuff that makes me sad and angry. ...It's all just stuff! And I praise God that it's not mine to carry alone. Jesus graciously accepts our baggage and takes on the burden of our sins and completes us in our brokenness.
Pain, though, is something different. We may be spiritually burdened with a passion for souls [for others to be saved], burdened with a changing heart, burdened with the refining process of God's institution of purity in our lives, or faith or trust or gratefulness. We may be spiritually burdened with the alteration of our thoughts and perspectives as the father so tediously prepares us for the slow unveiling of his will. Such a refining process is not effortless! It's a process; it is slow, it is trying, it is to be executed with precision and accuracy, it is to yield a result that is pleasing to its administrator. And so we are refined by fire by the God who molds us like clay into an image that reflects his beautiful son and bears our faith in him. (1 Peter 1:7).
That's where I am right now. I'm feeling all of the ramifications of this refining process. It's not easy. It's emotional. It's exhausting. But it's oh so glorious. Let the impurities in my life rise to the surface and be taken away like dross. God is doing something so great inside of me - I can't even begin to fathom what his plans are for this heart.
So Cowen didn't magically relieve me of my spiritual warfare and make my walk nothing but sunshine and lollipops. Instead, Cowen revealed to me that I've been ignoring the reality of God's presence in my life: I'm in the fiery process of being refined for the Lord. He is breaking me, convicting me of my foolish pride and selfish ambitions, strengthening me in his Son, shaping me, molding me, stirring my heart violently with his mighty hand. In spite of the discomfort, in spite of the uneasiness, in spite of the uncertainty - it is well with my soul. To God be the glory.
.
No comments:
Post a Comment